Cleansing Fire

Defending Truth and Tradition in the Roman Catholic Church

A New Category for the Cannonball Awards

May 12th, 2010, Promulgated by Gen

Anyone keeping vigil with us in this the night of our discontent will have noticed that “Defend Us In Battle” has begun to lash out at us. It’s almost as if they sense defeat.

Their latest broadside, however, would earn them, in my humble suggestion, an honorary Cannonball Award for “Most Heavy-Handed Shakespearean Metaphor.” However, living up to our villainous portrayal at that blog, I submit for your perusal my own Heavy-Handed Shakespearean Metaphor.

The following is shamelessly ripped-off from Shakespeare’s Henry VIII.

CARDINAL WOLSEY Joe (Defend us in Battle)
What should this mean?
What sudden anger’s this? How have I reap’d it?
What have I done to have maligned my readership thus?
That they should vote for those most foul urchins
Whose insights are limited to their own pursuits of glory?
He (that is, Gen) parted frowning from me, as if ruin
Leap’d from his eyes: so looks the chafed lion
Upon the daring huntsman that has gall’d him;
Then makes him nothing. I must read the voting results;
I fear the story of his anger. ‘Tis so;
This poll at the Crescat has undone me: ’tis the account
Of all that world of wealth I have drawn together
For mine own ends; indeed, to gain the popedom Canonball Award,
And fee my friends in Rome. O negligence!
Fit for a fool to fall by: what cross devil
Made me to taunt this fellow’s noble blog, and his equally noble writers?
Is there no way to cure this?
No new device to beat my treachery from his brains?
I know ’twill stir him strongly; yet I know
A way, if it take right, in spite of fortune losing horribly to him in the polls,
Will bring me off again. Wait, what’s this?
What does this comment say? ‘To the Pope!’
The letter comment, as I live, with all the business heavy-handed Shakespearean metaphors
I wrote to his holiness. Nay then, farewell!
I have touch’d the highest point of all my greatness;
And, from that full meridian of my glory,
I haste now to my setting: I shall fall
Like a bright exhalation m the evening,
And no man see me more.
I acknowledge my better, in every possible way.
Enter Gen, accompanied by Dr. K and Choir Loft

Hear the king’s Gen’s pleasure, cardinal blogger: who commands you
To render up the great seal  your attempts to steal the award presently
Into our hands; and to confine yourself
To Asher House  your own blog, my Lord of Winchester’s Defend us in Battle,
Till you hear further from his highness, Gen.

CARDINAL WOLSEY Joe (Defend us in Battle)
Where’s your commission, lords? Words like these cannot carry
Authority so weighty by themselves.

SUFFOLK  Choir Loft
Who dare cross these words,
Bearing the king’s Gen’s will from his mouth expressly?

Joe (Defend us in Battle)
Till I find more than the pathetic amount of votes I have garnered in the Cannonball Awards,
I dare and must deny it. Now I feel
Of what coarse metal you are moulded, envy:
How eagerly you follow my disgraces,
As if it fed ye! 

All I did was attempt to share in Cleansing Fire’s glory,
and now You come seeking my ruin!
Follow your envious courses, men of malice o noble, victorious bloggers;
You have Christian warrant sufficient support in the award polls for them, and, no doubt,
In time will find their fit rewards. That seal blog and my sardonic humor,
You attack with such a violence, the king Gen himself,
Mine and your master, with his own hand gave me eyes read;
Bade me enjoy it, with the place and honours,
During my life; and, to confirm his goodness,
Tied it by letters-patents: now, who’ll take it?

SURREY  Choir Loft
The king, that gave it.

Gen has not been deserving of your vicious 
and heavy-handed assaults.

Joe (Defend us in Battle)
Then let him. He’s far more temperate than I.

Choir Loft
Thou art a proud traitor, priest.

Joe (Defend us in Battle)
Proud lord, thou liest:
Within these forty hours I have not been 
able to compete with Gen’s tremendous support,
in the polls, on the blogs, and on Facebook.

SURREY  Choir Loft
Thy ambition,
Thou scarlet sin, robb’d this bewailing land
Of noble Buckingham, my father-in-law

Contest of all decency and honor:
The heads of all thy brother cardinals bloggers,
Who attacked Cleansing Fire so derisively
Aren’t fit to hold Gen’s miter, let alone be smacked by his crozier.
Oh deceitful and heavy-handed blogger, thou!
You sent me deputy for Ireland led people to vote for a vain blog author;
Far from his succor Gen’s mercy and friendship, from all
That might have mercy on the fault thou gavest him;
Whilst your great goodness, out of holy pity,
Absolved him with an axe.

Exeunt. They go unto the ballot boxes at the Crescat, and force Joe to direct each voter to consider a vote for Cleansing Fire. For that is a just
and equitable punishment for his anger and vain attempts for victory.



5 Responses to “A New Category for the Cannonball Awards”

  1. Anonymous says:

    Rochester pride on the line.

  2. Just Saying... says:

    A blog that is almost a year old is worried about a blog that is a few months old… and located in Alaska?!

    You have more people in your diocese than he does in his state…

  3. Gen says:

    lol – we're not worried in the least. We're just laughing at how militant some of the other blogs have been!

  4. LOL… I am taking it all in fun and in stride 🙂

    I hope people aren't really getting worked up over it.

  5. Gen says:

    lol of course not, Joe.

    There will still be a spot for you in my court even after you're trounced in the voting. See? Now that's Christian charity. 😉

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