Cleansing Fire

Defending Truth and Tradition in the Roman Catholic Church

I’m Here To Help

December 1st, 2009, Promulgated by Choir
Taken from the Acts of the Apostasy blog.

This is an offer to all my friends at Voice of the Faithful (VOTF), Call to Action, Pax Christi, the LCWR and the Women’s Ordination Conference (WOC) who anticipate attending the American Catholic Council in June 2011.

You know, I’ve been poking fun at your ideologies and beliefs since I started this blog. And while some of it has been justified…well, actually, all of it has been justified, but that’s a whole other issue…I admit that you haven’t always accepted my criticism with charity, and perhaps even quite possibly on occasion remotely you were less than Christian in your attitude.

So I want to make it up to you.

I realize that this council, planned for June 2011 in Detroit, is a big deal for you. It’s your chance to resurrect the glory days of the Call to Action kick-off event in 1976, as well as a response to the call of the Spirit of Vatican II. I don’t agree with any of the provisions of this American council, but that’s besides the point. In the spirit of Christian fraternity, I’m here to help.

Eighteen months is a long time from now. A very long time. And given that a sizable percentage of your membership is…how can I say this politely?…really really old, it’s quite possible that nature will dash many a dream, and that many may not live to see the dawning of this historic council. It’s a cold hard fact of life.

When you factor in the possibility that the council many be postponed to 2012 (from the ACC website: “We also need to determine the physical details of our national meeting (including availability of space and speakers?and whether there is sufficient time to stage such an important event in the spring of 2011)?or whether we should provide more time for process and schedule a 2012 event”), the chance that many faithful catholics won’t be around increases exponentially. I can only imagine the heartbreak and regret, that so many might not live to see this council.

Another possibility is that many will be too frail and infirm to travel to the Motor City, and thus miss out on coming to the table. Tragic. It just doesn’t seem fair that the wisest, most venerable and most experienced of progressive catholics might be forced to remain behind while the impotentimportant work of the council gets done.

As you realize the pitiable situation in which you find yourselves, you’re probably asking: “How can you help?” In a word, simply. In a few more words, by offering exclusive Council Attendance Insurance.

This is an exclusive offer open only to members of the aforementioned groups. AoftheA is making available to you and your members Council Attendance Insurance, whereby you purchase a non-refundable policy that guarantees your place at the table, even if you die. How, you ask? Because AoftheA will send someone in your place as a proxy in the event you are unable to attend, for any reason. Even if the council gets postponed until 2013 or beyond, you’re guaranteed a voice.

For a modest one-time non-refundable fee of $1,500, AoftheA will screen for appropriate proxy candidates using the latest Briggs-Meyer Personality Test Typology methodologies. AoftheA assures you that individuals who most closely reflect your worldview will be on standby in the event you cannot make it to Detroit in 2011. AoftheA promises to not discriminate proxy candidates on the basis of creed, color or gender – just like you (unless the candidate is a straight white male who follows the Magisterium – we will categorically reject them, just like you!). In fact, AoftheA provides a 100% guarantee that our proxy candidates will be significantly less catholic than you could ever hope to be, thus ensuring the council will be be faithful to its mission, even if you can’t be there.

Don’t delay – you have little time! This is a limited time offer – you aren’t going to live forever, you know. If you email AoftheA today, a packet will be sent to you via overnight mail. Complete the forms and send your check payable to “Council Attendance Insurance Policy”, and then relax. Be assured that even if you can’t attend the council, you’ll be there in spirit. And someone just as non-catholic as you will be there to take up the call to…do something or other.



One Response to “I’m Here To Help”

  1. Gen says:

    Absolutely hilarious. Well done!

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