Cleansing Fire

Defending Truth and Tradition in the Roman Catholic Church

The Religiosity of Starbucks

July 17th, 2009, Promulgated by Gen

I was asked by a friend: Why would God be a Caramel Machiatto?

My response:

Because a Caramel Machiatto contains a metaphor for the Roman Catholic Church, aka, “the Church.”

First, you start off with a shot of syrup in the bottom of the cup: a small, but concentrated group of believers first worshiped deep down in the catacombs.

Second, you put in the milk: Missionaries spread the faith, diffusing the concentrated core of believers and sending the faith all over the world.

Third, three shots of espresso: Father, Son, Holy Ghost.

You can add a fourth shot in “Affogatto Style”: One, Holy, Catholic, Apostolic.

After that, the foam is put on the top: like the zuchetto of the pope.

Finally, there is a sheet of caramel sauce drizzled over the whole thing: the clergy add sweetness and vibrancy to the Church, and without them, the Church wouldn’t be “Church.” Without this caramel glaze, it wouldn’t be a Caramel Machiatto.

Ergo, a Caramel Machiatto is the Church.

Protestants would be a chai lat?: made from concentrate, and from a box. Just like their theology.

Schismatic Catholics (aka “yeah, Protestants”) would be a Decaf Caramel Machiatto: it sort of tastes the same, but there’s no real kick to it. Why get coffee when you don’t get the fulfillment?

Atheists would be Green Tea Frappucino: doesn’t acknowledge the existence of taste.



6 Responses to “The Religiosity of Starbucks”

  1. Gen says:

    Disclaimer: I really do love chai. I only bashed it to make a point.

  2. Tony says:

    Stop, you're making me thirsty! haha. Nice metaphors.

  3. Anonymous says:


  4. Anonymous says:

    Good post! I'm thinking some Decaloried Caramelite nuns are in order. ;-P

  5. Gen says:


    Or at least decafinated . . .

    Perhaps we should send a letter to Rome asking the pope to change Canon Law, so that whenever a Catholic drinks a Caramel Machiatto, he must cross himself/herself before and after. 😉

  6. Anonymous says:


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